ASS GRAB

Do you watch sports? Are you an armchair quarterback? Do you know team names, colors and stats?

Well don't fret, as a self proclaimed loud mouth, opinionated A-typical fag, I don't either. Fear not, as this rant is not about sports, but about the infamous straight guy ass grab during games.


Now you might be asking yourself how I even know about the phenomenon. But as odd as it sounds, some of my best friends are straight.

If you are unfamiliar with this odd custom, then let me shine some light on the subject.

As a gay person, I have limited first hand experience at organized sports. I have played Tetherball, Tennis, Volleyball in high school, and as a result any ass grabbing that occurred was not related to the sports. Since my experience is limited, I had to gather data from straight sources.

Let's first examine how is happens. According to my sources, when a team makes a "score" it is appropriate to pat the ass of a fellow team mate, and say "Good Game".

Although i only know a few straight people, I have seen them in the wild. The majority of straight men i have encountered would interpret a casual ass grab as a personal attack not only to their person, but their masculinity. Yet, somehow all homophobia flies out the window when they are in drag. Once they have on the shoulder pads, skin tight pants, and are running,tackling and rolling on top of each other, it becomes okay to grab each others ass.

When I inquired as to why this happens or even why it is accepted, i was met with reproach. How dare i question a national past-time. I was informed that you cant just grab the ass of a fellow team mate, you must say "good game" otherwise it is can be interpreted as gay.

What is it about the magical words "good game" that makes grabbing another man ass move from homosexual to heterosexual.

I wonder if these words truly have any significants,like open seasame. I mean would they work for me in the stands of a game? Could i grab the ass of another fan and say good game, and not get pummeled to death. I doubt it, hence the reason I didn't do any field research for this.

Why is it that if a gay man grabs your ass, it a personal attack, but if another straight man does it, well then we need a high five and another beer.

We may be pondering this for all time......